Broken
by racefh853629
Summary: Post Swan Song. "I'm always gonna worry about Sammy. That's my job."


A/N: I don't own Supernatural, the CW, or any other known entity. The title and lyrics at the end come from "Broken" by Lifehouse, which I also don't own. Finally, spoilers for Swan Song. Enjoy, and please review. :)

* * *

Broken

She tucked her son into bed before standing in the doorway, watching as he fell asleep. Once he did, she made her way back into the living room silently, pausing in the hallway to stare at the newest man in her life.

Well, relatively newest.

He had kicked his shoes off and curled up on the couch, and she simply observed him. His arms were wrapped around a pillow, the same one he had tucked under his chin. His ragged breathing was a clear sign to her that things weren't okay, but she wasn't entirely sure what could be wrong or if he'd even tell her. All she knew was what she saw.

The shell of a broken man.

She moved slowly around to the arm of the couch near his head, sitting down on it and leaning against the back. He didn't move, didn't even react, and she knew that he knew he was busted long before she sat down.

The instincts of a hunter.

She reached down, brushing her fingers slowly through his hair, and she felt him flinch beneath her. She said nothing, instead doing it again while he didn't even move this time. She wanted to do more, but knew that until he opened the door, this was the best she could do.

And it broke her heart.

* * *

He could feel the softness of her fingertips as they ran over his hair, and he wondered why, out of all the girlfriends Sam could've made him promise to go to, it was Lisa. Maybe it's because he warned her in the first place, but he couldn't be sure.

Sam…

The thought of his brother, locked forever in a cage in Hell, made him fight back another round of tears. He didn't just lose one brother to that cage. He lost both of them, making him the only surviving Winchester. And now, Bobby was moving on with his life, Castiel was back in Heaven, and Dean was all alone.

Sort of.

Her hand stroking his head reminded him that he made a promise to try and live a normal life. And part of that was confessing to friends and lovers.

…Right?

* * *

"It's been a long day," he whispered, and his voice was so soft she could barely hear him.

"I've got a bed," she replied, assuming he meant he wanted to sleep.

He shook his head, and she furrowed her brow. "M'not tired," he muttered.

She nodded, more to herself than to him, as she kept running her fingers through his hair.

"It's just… been a tough day. Tough week."

She could feel the pain in his admission, and it made tears threaten her own eyes.

"I told you about my brother… right? And what we do?"

"Yeah," she confirmed.

"When I came to you last month…" he started before pausing. "What I should've said was that… th-the end of the world was happening. The entire Biblical Apocalypse. S-see, me and Sam… last year, we made a mistake a-and… we set Lucifer free into the world. And… And we had to make things right."

She moved her hand away from his head as she said nothing, mostly because she didn't know what to say to that, but partly because she knew he wasn't done.

"And… it… it was foretold throughout Heaven th-that the end would come when Sam and I made our mistakes, and that we'd have to fight each other to the death in order to save the world. That he'd be the… vessel for Lucifer, and I'd be Michael's, and half the world would be roasted alive in the fight.

"But… we couldn't do it," he continued. "I couldn't… we couldn't do it. And then… we lost Ellen and Jo… and Cas was becoming human, and… when I came here, it was because I was going to say yes, and I was going to make Michael promise that you and Ben would be safe. But… but I saw Sam and… I couldn't go through with it."

He paused, rubbing his hand over his eyes in an attempt to hide tears she knew he didn't want her to see. She sniffled back her own as his affliction registered deeper in her than her own confusion.

"The only thing we could do," he started again after a moment. "The only thing we _thought_ we could do was to ask Gabriel, the archangel who hid on Earth and was a pain in our asses, to help us out and take out Lucifer. But… but that failed, and Gabriel's dead. At least, I think he's dead. I don't know anymore. I mean, it's not like I can just call the Archangel Hotline and ask or anything…

"Anyway, Gabriel, he… uh, he gave us the clue that we could lock Lucifer back in his cage i-if we got the four rings from the Four Horsemen. We already had War's and Famine's. Pestilence made us sick… of course. But… even if we had them, w-we still had to get Lucifer to jump in the cage, and it's not like we c-could just push him or trick him. So Sammy… he suggested that he say yes, control Lucifer, and then just… jump in.

"Death made me agree to it before he gave me his ring, and he taught me how to use them. Sammy… he said yes, but Lucifer took control. And… and my half-brother, Adam… he was my dad's other son that we found out about last year… Adam had already agreed to be Michael's vessel, and I… I tried to stop the final battle."

"But couldn't?" she supplied, hoping to spare him some anguish of admission.

He somewhat-tearfully scoffed. "Cas showed up and threw a flaming bottle of Holy Oil at Michael," he said. "I was impressed… never knew Cas could throw, let alone aim. And that… that pissed Lucifer off, so he… he exploded Cas. And then he… he snapped Bobby's neck. He beat the crap out of me, and… and all I kept doing was begging Sam to gain control. And I don't know how he did, but he did, and… and he opened Lucifer's cage, jumped in, and ended up dragging Michael with him when Michael tried to stop him."

She nodded, starting to cry as she realized what he was saying.

"I don't know how, but… but Cas came back, alive and all angel-fied again," he continued. "He healed me, brought Bobby back… and then he went back to Heaven. And… I don't know, maybe I'm not doing the right thing, but Bobby and I have gone our own ways… because I promised Sam I'd come here and… and hope you'd forgive me and help me try to live a normal life."

She wasn't sure whether to thank Sam or be mad at him.

"Not that I don't want to be here," he said, finally looking up at her. "Because… I've always liked you, Lisa, and I've always liked Ben, too."

"I kinda figured that when you showed up on my doorstep last month," she said, tilting her head back and forth.

"I just… I don't know. I feel like… I kinda miss my old life, and not being normal, but at the same time… I've always wanted a normal life. I miss my brother, and… and I want so bad to go out there and try like hell to find him, but… he made me promise not to. Because he doesn't want me to risk setting Lucifer free again."

"You've given so much of yourself and your own life for your family. For people you don't even know. Don't you think you might be entitled to worry about yourself now?"

He shook his head slowly. "I'm always gonna worry about Sammy. That's my job."

She bit her lip as she nodded, stroking his hair once again as he closed his eyes.

"I just wish things could be different," he breathed. "That I didn't have to choose between my family and normal. Because even though I gain a lot, I lose a lot, too."

"You don't have to lose Bobby, you know," she said. "Phones work both ways."

"And what would we talk about? Bobby's a hunter. I'm not anymore."

"You could always just check in, let him know you're okay. Make sure he's okay."

He shrugged. "But even then, I still lose. And I'll never see Cas again, either."

"But he's watching over you… right?"

"I don't know."

She frowned. "I would say, you've gotta have faith, but given your week so far…"

He snorted as he nodded. "Hell, I've been to Heaven. God isn't there, and the only person who knows where He is, is himself. Michael's stuck with Lucifer, Gabriel's dead… it's… well, Cas said it's probably an anarchy up there, and I can't say I'd disagree with him at this rate. But… he's got other things to worry about than me."

"Don't sell yourself short, Dean."

He closed his eyes, turning toward the back of the couch. After a moment, he said, "I don't know how many times I was so tired of this. How many times I wanted to quit. Hell, I don't even know how I made it this long. Never understood how much Sam kept me going, I guess. And now… now there's nothing left to carry on for."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "You've got me, Dean. And Ben. We're not going anywhere. I think he might demand it this time."

A ghost of a smile formed on his lips as he looked up at her, and she leaned down, kissing him on the temple.

"And hey, if he turns out to be half the man that you are, I'll be proud of him," she continued. "After all, how many people out there can truly say that they just helped save the world?"

He nodded slightly. "Yeah," he exhaled.

"I know the cost was… astronomical. But… the better part of six billion people are still breathing, and that's because of you and your brother. You're a hero, whether you want to admit it or not. And… as for everything else… like I said, I'm not going anywhere. I'll help you, if you'll let me."

He nodded again, closing his eyes.

"Anyway… I'll let you get some sleep," she said softly, standing. When he didn't respond, she started to walk away from the couch.

"Lisa?" he asked.

"Yeah, Dean?"

He sat up, looking over the couch, and she gave him a sympathetic smile.

"Come on," she affirmed, waiting for him as he stood up and walked over to her. She wrapped her arm around his waist, walking with him down the hall.

_I'm falling apart  
__I'm barely breathing  
__With a broken heart  
__That's still beating  
__In the pain,  
__There is healing  
__In your name,  
__I find meaning  
__So I'm holding on  
__I'm holding on  
__I'm holding on  
__I'm barely holding on to you_


End file.
